Interview by Dawn Yip/Red Sports
At Red Sports, we like telling the stories of athletes. But since it's Mothers' Day, we thought it was a good time to go behind the scenes and look at some people who help to make these stories happen – parents.
Recently, Red Sports had the privilege of engaging with Adrian and Doreen Teo. Mr and Mrs Teo are the parents of Nicolette Teo, one of Singapore's most bemedalled swimmers. Nicolette currently holds 9 SEA Games golds, 7 silvers and 1 bronze; she is a two-time Olympian and holds 4 national swimming records. She is currently an undergraduate at the University of California, Los Angeles, majoring in anthropology. On May 6, Nicolette was named MVP of the UCLA swimming and diving team. She had an impressive senior season and earned All-American honours at the National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA) Championships.
But the untold story behind this string of successes is the role her parents have played in nurturing this elite athlete. Here is what they had to say.
How would you describe your parenting approach with Nicolette?
Doreen Teo: For both our children, the focus is on character building and not so much on sports, music or academics. In Nic’s case, the platform for character development happens to be swimming. To us, the bedrock of character building are the values we inculcate in her and these values are from the Bible.
For instance, on the night of Nic’s trial for her very first SEA Games at 13, I talked her through two possible scenarios. If she should win the race and qualify, how would she feel? How would her two main opponents feel, being beaten by someone two to four years younger? How should she react or celebrate that victory in the water, in front of the other competitors? If she should lose, how should she deal with her feelings? How would she bounce back? Is it appropriate for her to congratulate others who defeated her? Our main teaching was to ensure she would consider others in whatever she does in life and to remain humble in victory as well as defeat.
Adrian Teo: We played a more active role in the early years, like waking her up in the morning for training. But ultimately, all the steering and driving must come from her. You can't be a champion unless it's self-driven.
What about your parenting approach do you think worked well with Nicolette, and helped her to achieve her best as an athlete?
Doreen Teo: One of the roles we play as parents, I feel, is to positively encourage our children in whatever they are striving for. Motivation is such a tricky thing. The goal that I had at the back of my mind with my young kids has always been: how to make them fall in love with the things they do, regardless of whether it is mathematics or swimming. In this case, negative motivation never works!
I sat at the pool deck for enough years and have seen enough swimmers come and go. I have seen those that everyone thought had such great potential when they were 9/10/11 years old and yet when they reached their teens, they were not even swimming any longer. Those are the kids that were ‘pushed’ until they no longer enjoy swimming and when they were in their teens they just simply go through the motion in the waters and soon start to lose to younger ‘eager beavers’.
When a child is younger and does not know what he/she wants to do, parents have to guide and use whatever tricks up their sleeves to help motivate them positively, hoping that someday, the motivation will be translated into their own – ie. in the case of Nic – she takes ownership of the sport that she loves.
Adrian Teo: We are there for her in the down moments, especially whenever she loses. We make sure she knows that our love for her is unconditional. Kids are all different and understanding your child and supporting them in the right way is important. Nic likes to talk out her problems so for parents, lending an ear is important.
Has Nicolette ever wanted to give up?
Adrian Teo: Oh yes. Before the 1st SEA Games. We said, "OK. So what do you want to do?" Nic wanted to go shopping. So we went shopping for three or four days, non-stop. It was very tiring on the legs. And during that time we never talked about swimming. After we got back, Nic said she wanted to go back to the pool! Even now, if Nic wants to quit it's up to her.
What thoughts do you have about what parents in general could do or refrain from doing, that would help athletes achieve their best?
Doreen Teo: Home is a haven where one can run back to, for love, comfort in times of disappointments and failures and whatever else the world might throw at you. My admonition and boundaries for my children are always about their character – they cannot cross the line for things like respect, kindness, consideration, honesty, humility, integrity. Outside of this boundary, they can spill the milk, fail an exam, lose a race and they can be comforted in our ever-present love for them.
What I am trying to say is that I notice lots of parents link their approval of their children to their performance. There was one time years ago that a mother confided in me that she did not want to go to a meet because she said that she knows it is one meet that she was sure her daughter would do badly. I told her that that is exactly the reason and time she needed to be there. I know my daughter doesn’t need me when she is on top of her game, but I want to be there on her “off” day and to catch her when she ‘falls’!
Adrian Teo: Don't pressure or expect too much, don't make the focus too intense. I don't swim – maybe that's helpful! Some days Nic doesn't "feel the water". I don't know what it means, but those are the times that we need to be there for her.
I've seen parents who expected too much too early. Parents can mishandle potential. You must recognise that kids develop at different pace and the #1 rule is ‘Don't compare your child with others'.
A very interesting and educational information for all parents. I share the same thoughts with Nicolette’s parents and I hope to implement similar principle in bringing up my kid. All the best for Nicolette’s at the Olympics.
How I wish every Singapore parent with a child athlete could, and would, read this article! These parents definitely have the measure of what it takes to raise a champion, not just in the sporting field but in every aspect of life. My daughter used to compete against Nicolette and always admired her sense of resolve – we now have an inkling of how she acquired such a strength of character. If more Singaporean parents would focus on developing the character of their children rather than achieving short term results this country could be a nation of champions.
I wish Nicolette only the best at the Olympics.